Quotes tagged ‘funny joke’

(21 total)

“A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: 'Watch your head.'”

“A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads. 'Hey,' says the man to the sign, 'If you can read, what does my shirt say?' 'I don't know,' says the sign. 'I can only read sign language.'”

— why-the, reddit.com

“A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. 'Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?' he asks. 'Yes,' she purrs. 'I am.' 'Well, wash your fuckin' hands,' says the man. 'I w…”

— HairyAssquatch, reddit.com

“Knock Knock. Who's there? Dad. Dad who? UNLOCK THE DOOR CALVIN!”

— GingerRanger, reddit.com

“A blonde wearing an eye-patch and missing a leg, walks into a bar and a brunette waitress says, 'Oh my god look at that one-eyed, one-legged skank!' and the blonde spins round shouting 'Where, where, I don't see her!'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“A blonde woman gets onto an elevator and she says to the man on the elevator 'T.G.I.F' The man replies 'S.H.I.T.' She furrows her brow and repeats 'T.G.I.F.' The man replies once again 'S.H.I.T.' The blonde says 'T.G.I.F.--Thank God it's Friday!' The man says 'S.H.I.T.--Sorry Honey, it's Thursday!'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“A blonde guy calls 911. Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency? Blonde guy: My wife is in labor and the contractions are two minutes apart!! Dispatcher: Ok, I can help you. Is this her first child? Blonde guy: No, you idiot, this is her husband!”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking after I slap it.”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“What does the blonde play on her iPod all the time? Breathe in...Breathe out...Breathe in...Breathe out.”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“A blonde is standing on one side of a canal. Another blonde walking on the other side yells across 'How do you get to the other side?' The other blonde yells back 'Duh, you're on the other side.'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“This man had sex with a blonde bomb shell. He pulled out a cigarette and lights up, then asks, 'Do you smoke after sex?' She looks down at her vagina with enthusiasm and says, 'I don't know! I've never checked.'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk. She says: 'I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I could do tha…”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“A blonde and a brunette are talking about sex, and the brunette says 'once I had sex with a Brazilian man', and the blonde asks 'how many is a Brazillian?!'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“What's a blonde say after multiple orgasms? 'You fellows all on the same team?'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many went down on the Titanic.”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“What job did the M&M factory give to the blonde? Proofreading. Why did she get fired? Throwing out all the W's.”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“Two blondes are stuck in a burning apartment on the 30th floor on the balcony. They're both screaming for help one after another, to no avail... Then one of the blondes says i don't think anyone can hear us.. maybe if we scream together, we'll be louder and we'll get saved! They both start yelling,…”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“Blonde: 'What does IDK stand for?' Brunette: 'I don’t know.' Blonde: 'OMG, nobody does!'”

— Reddit, reddit.com

“How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.”

— Reddit, reddit.com