Quotes tagged ‘Funny Quotes’

(176 total)

“Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.There's liquor and you can't hear them.”

“I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.”

“Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.”

“Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.”

“Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.”

“I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.”

“If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.”

“Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.”

“My wife doesn't believe that autocorrect changed 'Yes dear' to 'Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.'”

“Introducing myself to new boyfriend's parents: Hi, I usually don't make it this far.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

“I got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.”

“Why do I even have a dog if she can't let me in when I'm locked out?”

“Behind every strong woman are 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second.”

“Get on his dick. Not on his nerves.”

“What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? A polar bear.”

“What animal can jump higher than a house. All of them... houses can't jump.”