Quotes tagged ‘Funny Quotes’

(176 total)

“Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.”

“Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.”

“I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.”

“Studies show that if you eat well, exercise, and don't do drugs or alcohol, YOU WILL DIE.”

“For Halloween I'm gonna be emotionally stable. No one's gonna know it's me.”

“Why do fish live in salt water?... Because pepper makes them sneeze!”

“True friendship is hating on everything together.”

“Your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screen captured, sent to friends and ridiculed.”

“Me, finding my own shit in my sister's room while I'm stealing her shit: Why the fuck does my sister think it's ok to steal my shit?”

“Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.”

“Why am I always the last to know that I'm in an open relationship?”

“He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.”

“Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.”

“Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.”

“I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire and then eaten by the hero that saved you.”

“Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.”

“Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.”

“I have a feeling I already know which direction my 'Get rich or die trying' lifestyle is headed.”

“Wakes up from two year coma surrounded by friends and family: Where's my phone?”

“I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.”