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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

Do not bring your dog. (advice for attending a funeral)

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

— Mark Twain, amazon.com

His hair was short and parted accurately in the middle, and he had all the look of an American person who would be likely to begin his signature with an initial, and spell his middle name out.

— Mark Twain, amazon.com

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

— Mark Twain, amazon.com

If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!

— Mark Twain, amazon.com

All right, then, I'll go to hell.

— Mark Twain, amazon.com

Ah, if he could only die temporarily!

— Mark Twain, amazon.com

Nap time can get intense

— Jenny Mollen, instagram.com

Goodbye Hong Kong, I'll never forget the taste of your fish balls in my mouth

— Jenny Mollen, instagram.com

deep caption

— chrissy teigen, instagram.com

When I realize I'm out of sleeping pills on a 5 hour flight.

— Chelsea Handler, instagram.com

Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for possibly becoming the first f...president. I would have said ‘female’ but someone deleted the ‘emale.

— Jimmy Fallon, nbc.com

Drumpf is much less magical. It’s the sound produced when a morbidly obese pigeon flies into the window of a foreclosed Old Navy. Drumpf. It’s the sound of a bottle of store-brand root beer falling off the shelf in a gas station minimart. And it may seem weird to bring up his ancestral name, but to…

— John Oliver, youtube.com

My kids are starting to notice I'm a little different from the other dads. "Why don't you have a straight job like everyone else?" they asked me the other day. I told them this story: In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked t…

— Tom Waits, goodreads.com

But how can I put this? I can’t keep my head above water one minute to the next: it’s not just the parties and the goo-gooing with what’s-her-name, I’ve got to decide how long the Five Hundredth Anniversary Parade is going to be and where does it start and when does it start and which nobleman gets…

— William. The Princess Bride: S Goldman, amazon.com

THE AMERICAN ACADEMY of Emergency Medicine confirms it: Each year, between one and two dozen adult US males are admitted to ERs after having castrated themselves.

— David Foster Wallace, amazon.com

Eye flirt with the fancy vodka.

— Kristin Addis, thoughtcatalog.com

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

— Max Eastman, amazon.com

We are paying you to work, not chase fictional video game characters with your cell phone all day. Save it for your break time or lunch. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time unemployed to 'Catch Them All.'

— RichardKorry, imgur.com

We saw a pokestop on the way to the gas station that had a lure module going off... four cop cars, all playing Pokemon Go

— opinionwaswrong, imgur.com

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