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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

— Chelsea Handler, amazon.com

Clownlike, happiest on your hands, Feet to the stars, and moon-skulled, Gilled like a fish. A common-sense Thumbs-down on the dodo’s mode. Wrapped up in yourself like a spool, Trawling your dark as owls do.

— Sylvia Plath, poetryfoundation.org

The people I'm furious with are the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

— Anita Loos, writersalmanac.org

'I’m not a feminist. I love men.' are two sentences as unrelated as 'I’m not an accountant. I love archeology.'

— Erin Gloria Ryan, twitter.com

If you can’t handle me at my J.K. Rowling you don’t deserve me at my Joan Didion.

— Chrissy Stockton, thoughtcatalog.com

I’m exactly as happy as I was when I was waiting tables. I don’t think people get happier. But knowing that you’re financially OK and you can have health insurance is really nice.

— Amy Schumer, theguardian.com

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do.

— Patrick Marber, amazon.com

Nobody comes to Minnesota to take their clothes off, at least as far as I know.

— Diablo Cody, amazon.com

There are an infinite number of universes and clubbing isn’t fun in any of them

— Benedict Smith, benedictsmith.net

Looking at what my father had written, I realized a comforting truth: being a fuckup in your twenties is totally timeless.

— Ryan O'Connell, amazon.com

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

— Mae West, amazon.com

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

— David Sedaris, amazon.com

When the apocalypse comes, it won’t just be cockroaches that survive. It will also be herpes and that random bottle of crème de menthe you bought years ago.

— Mamrie Hart, amazon.com

Humor has the same formal structure as depression, but it is an anti-depressant that works by the ego finding itself ridiculous.

— Simon Critchley, amazon.com

Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

— Sloane Crosley, amazon.com

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

— Natalie Portman, imdb.com

Remember, if you fail you can start a new life for yourself in North Carolina.

— Grace Helbig, amazon.com

They couldn’t ignore me, so they started attacking me. These veteran politicians looked for the place I was most vulnerable— which is why they attacked my hair, which is mine, by the way. They showed a lot of courage attacking my hair; this resulted in what might be the strangest political headline…

— Donald Trump, amazon.com

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

— Ambrose Bierce, amazon.com

The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.

— Cassandra Clare, amazon.ca

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