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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

I've got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.

You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know wh…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... In a way... Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but s…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!" "Well let's form a club then." "Alright, but we need more stipulations." "Yes we do; instead of cutting th…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sho…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Tell him you’re excited to have his last name and then marry his brother.

— Anonymous, emperorroxanna.tumblr.com

Your entire body shakes when you laugh, As if your sense of humour was built on a fault line And the coast of your heart falls into the ocean of yourself And I’m left looking for this Atlantis.

— Shane Koyczan, blog.ted.com

I don't think I'm gonna die tomorrow or even two weeks from now, or even ever. I just don't know — who the hell knows what's gonna happen to them? Nobody! Isn't that comforting? Nobody has a clue. I like that we don't know. And I like that it's somebody else's decision, not mine.

— Elaine Stritch, npr.org

I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

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