The best strategy for a job interview is to be fairly honest, because the worst thing that can happen is that you won't get the job and will spend the rest of your life foraging for food in the wilderness and seeking shelter underneath a tree or the awning of a bowling alley that has gone out of bus…
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Quotes tagged ‘humor’
It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring.
As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.'
Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab th…
The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught.
A man of my acquaintance once wrote a poem called 'The Road Less Traveled', describing a journey he took through the woods along a path most travelers never used. The poet found that the road less traveled was peaceful but quite lonely, and he was probably a bit nervous as he went along, because if…
No matter who you are, no matter where you live, and no matter how many people are chasing you, what you don't read is often as important as what you do read.
Taking one’s chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck.
The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, 'Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed,' but most of us would say something more along the lines of, 'A…
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
EXCLUSIVE: Microsoft’s Satya Nadella accidentally acquired LinkedIn as he tried to delete his account.
I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.
God is like a shitty girlfriend.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.