“Find the guy who appreciates your silliness, who loves to joke around with you, and who can hold a deep conversation with you while still being able to make you laugh every single day.”— Sophie Wrenfield, thoughtcatalog.com
“Nobody can write better jokes putting me down than me. I know how to destroy myself. I’m good at it.”— Garry Shandling, nytimes.com
“Just had the following conversation in court. Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You’re Not Guilty? Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.”— sofia832, reddit.com
“My dad keeps making jokes about eyes They get cornea and cornea every time.”— parth11235, reddit.com
“What language should you write something in if you want it to go viral? Polish. It'll spread from Pole to Pole.”— The_Python_Guy, reddit.com
“Did you hear about the German man that challenged himself to eat only sausages for a year? He said it was the wurst diet ever.”— muriken_egel, reddit.com
“In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea. That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".”— fogobum, reddit.com
“Do something you love and never work a day in your life they said. So I got a liberal arts degree.”— GraphicCreations, reddit.com
“A pessimist sees the glass half empty. An optometrist sees the glass in focus.”— akaBruce, reddit.com
“There are two kinds of people: Those who divide the world into binaries, and myself.”— takeshki, reddit.com
“I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.”— St-Airs, reddit.com
“What did the Klingon say to the flight attendant? Today is a good day to fly.”— mothinator, reddit.com
“What's the difference between an astronaut and a deep sea diver? The pressure.”— Magmorphius, reddit.com
“I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow...I load up on carbs and don't run.”— shercroft, reddit.com
“I went to a bar last night and I was a bit disappointed that the 2 bartenders didn't greet me. I guess my expectations were two hi.”— Nathan2Drake, reddit.com