“Why did the woman blush when she opened her refrigerator? Because she saw the salad dressing.”— tattooed-nerd, reddit.com
“I was so ugly as a baby...when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.”— Paradise5551, reddit.com
“A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem. He tells the bartender, "Give me 2 shots of..." The bartender cuts him off saying, "You only get 1 shot."”— deathshotCS, reddit.com
“The toothbrush was invented in Huntsville, Alabama...Otherwise it would have been called 'the teethbrush.'”— InVulgarVeritas, reddit.com
“I did something nice for my sister today. I bought her a trampoline. And what is the stupid cow doing? She sits there in her wheelchair crying.”— 16ValveHate, reddit.com
“A roman soldier walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. ‘You mean martini?’, asks the bartender. The roman soldier answers ‘If I wanted two, I would have told you!”— WHAT_RE_YOUR_DREAMS, reddit.com
“In case your parachute does not open...You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.”— readball, reddit.com
“What's it called when bros before hoes is balanced with hoes before bros? Homie-hoe-stasis.”— titantradingllc, reddit.com
“After seeing the Anti-Smoking campaign, I don't smoke anymore. But I don't smoke any less, either.”— guishark09, reddit.com
“Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...which explains why I wanna nail her.”— TheDiaryist, reddit.com
“A Canadian man, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up…”— Liamj21, reddit.com
“2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?". The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead." The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead befor…”— Ingobro54, reddit.com
“I saw my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off!" He shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued to walk.”— diwakarjain, reddit.com
“What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common? They’re both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.”— Liamj21, reddit.com
“I started working as a lifeguard, for about 16 months. I’m not joking. I was a good swimmer. Now, the only thing you’re not allowed to do when you’re at a swimming pool was to read. So, I started to read. Thousands of children drowned as a result.”— Simon Critchley, simoncritchley.org