“Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander? Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“I don't think it's funny when people stuff pillows in their clothing to look like me. I don't think it's funny when people paint their faces to look like me. I don't think it's funny when a stranger calls me a fat bitch no matter what they're offering to do for me. I don't think it's funny that I'm…”— Gabourey Sidibe, amazon.com
“5-year-old: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 5: Me. Me: That's not a good joke. 5: Neither are yours.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Garden in an Italian family is huge. That's where we get a lot of our food from. That night we found out there was a raccoon that was eating a lot of our tomatoes. My father was like, ya know, we're going to murder these things. Get the anti-freeze. And we make balogne sandwiches soaked in anti-free…”— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com
“She thinks I have a mean resting face. Like when I'm not smiling or talking it looks like I could murder your family.”— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com
“I'd like to think maybe I would be in the hospitality business. Although, I have a bit of a problem with people.”— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com
“As soon I walk in, there's like 25 pairs of shoes right there in the door way. I'm walking around this guys house, with my socks on, talking to other people with their socks on. How could you have a conversation with another man, looking at their golden toe?”— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com
“When did it become appropriate to come out in a flip-flop and sandals for a steak dinner? I'm trying to enjoy a T-Bone and I gotta look at some guys hoof.”— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com
“What's the deal with airplane peanuts?”— Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com
“Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.”— Jill Franklyn, Peter Mehlman, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com
“I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.”— Jill Franklyn, Peter Mehlman, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com
“I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why…”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com
“You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.”— Larry David, Uncle Leo, Len Lesser, imdb.com
“I heard that when a girl likes you she laughs at all your jokes, whether or not they are funny... So I thought all the girls loved me turns out I'm just hilarious.”— Slowbro18, reddit.com
“Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!”— Emily Giffin, amazon.com