“You're no longer holding lunch; you're cradling a canister of beans and rice that is soon to explode.”— Allie Conti, vice.com
“She then can't contain herself when it's time to glue her eyebrows. Honestly, it does seem really funny when you think about it.”— Joshua Moradel, buzzfeed.com
“I apologize for the vagueness, but I want it to smell like nothing, and right now it smells like something.”— John Duda, bookofduda.com
“He’s our Guy Next Door, a 'thoughtful woman’s leading man,' who is smart, hot, kind, great in bed, sensitive, caring, attractive and impossibly easy to be with, who also loves us, and only us, and always has, and always will, and who fights for the rights of all women and the environment. (Sorry.)”— Tracy Moore, melmagazine.com
“I don’t need a Commando 450 like Kramer got on the black market in that episode of Seinfeld, but I think I do need to go with a double shower head. I could even make this a fun little Saturday chore.”— John Duda, postgradproblems.com
“What does a farmer say after feeding a stick of dynamite to his steer? Abominable! [A-bomb-in-a-bull]”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“But Andrew’s quest for Tinder lols isn’t over. He’s moved on to his next character, and this one’s even less concerned with love. He just wants to sell your town a monorail.”— Mic Wright, melmagazine.com
“Pickles! Confusing, right? Are they cucumbers or no?? Kim Kardashian has been wondering about this for nearly a decade.”— Lauren Evans, jezebel.com
“Daddy must have darkness for his slumber, or else his Dreams turn terribly nasty.”— Clickhole, lifestyle.clickhole.com
“Can I get you something to drink? Here, I got these Prego jars, want some sprite or something? I’ll get myself a jar of spiced rum ha ha. I like to recycle.”— Kayla Haas, medium.com
“I know it’s our duty as lesbians to rescue a cat the second we move in together, but I don’t even remember to feed myself. I would totally neglect a poor little kitten.”— Dayna Troisi, gomag.com
“Pet pigs are frequently sold as “micro pigs” or “teacup pigs,” but in reality there’s no such thing.”— Hazel Cills, jezebel.com
“Does this mean you’ll stop going to Subway? Don’t make me laugh. You’re not better than Subway, bitch — and you never will be.”— Miles Klee, melmagazine.com