“You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes all the time.”— Tyler Straessle, Chidi Anagonye, William Jackson Harper, imdb.com
“Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade.”— Andrew Law, Chidi Anagonye, William Jackson Harper, imdb.com
“Low-rise denim is so depraved it isn’t worth attacking: It knows what it did—it just doesn’t care.”— Diana Tourjée, broadly.vice.com
“Or maybe he’s the first man who actually understands what I’m talking about. Who knows?”— Heidi Klum, thecut.com
“Other animals are noble and kind. We should learn from them. Right? Right? Wrong.”— IFLScience, iflscience.com
“You can’t have a perfect summer day reminiscing about the four amazing years you all spent together and undoubtedly peaked during or else why would you keep talking about it without a perfect bikini to match.”— Miranda Kronfeld, reductress.com
“It’s too fucking hot for clothes. This is some Adam and Eve, Castaway, Naked and Afraid type shit.”— Karly Brooks, thebelladonnacomedy.com
“I can only conclude the Dot follows them, and I fear for their safety when they are not here where I can protect them. One day, I shall capture it, and then we all will be safe.”— Donnell King, medium.com
“You are a straight white dude named Charlie who got a Nikon DSLR from your grandma for Christmas.”— Daisy Jones, Hannah Ewens, vice.com
“Once again, I request that we get at least one (1) story of this nature per week, until either Donald Trump is no longer president or we experience the inevitable heat death of the universe, whichever comes first.”— Cady Drell, marieclaire.com
“I’m not sure where it went, but if you happen to see a bright pink Byredo rollerball on the streets of Manhattan, can you return it to me? I miss it.”— Kristen Bateman, manrepeller.com
“So why not give your man the little death he deserves with a tighter cooch than he ever dreamed possible? We’re here for you, girl!”— Rachel Van Nes, reductress.com
“10:31 AM — Order all of the pants from Free People on the app. Easy peezy!”— Carrie Wittmer, thebelladonnacomedy.com
“I’m not really sure if a horse is a pet or not. They’re… kind of a pet? But they’re also kind of a car?”— Brian VanHooker, melmagazine.com
“Did you not have a father growing up? Drive around in circles with our new Mercedes-Benz, the car that hugs.”— Pete Davidson, gq.com
“Cops received reports that Fred was in the area a couple of hours before the escape.”— Jennifer Bain, Amanda Woods, nypost.com
“You can't really go wrong with this hummus and you always know what you're going to get, just like the sensible and simple Taurus.”— Spoon U, teenvogue.com