“A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen." He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.”— Plz_Dont_Gild_Me, reddit.com
“A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this bi…”— suportblog1, reddit.com
“A younger woman receives a dozen red roses. . . A much older woman and a much younger woman are sitting on the front porch when all of a sudden the younger woman looked up and saw her husband coming towards her with a dozen red roses. Disgusted, she said to her friend, "Well it looks like I'll be up…”— ColeMiner99, reddit.com
“A man is having problems satisfying his wife, so he asks his best friend Steve for advice. Steve says, "Before I have sex with a woman, I just bang my penis against the dresser for a couple minutes. That turns it numb and I can last for hours!" Later that night the man begins to bang his penis on th…”— zkrylla, reddit.com
“My wife told me I don't know what ironic means.... Which is ironic because I just got out of the shower.”— DecentUserName0000, reddit.com
“My wife was wondering why she was so itchy. I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B".”— coolmandan03, reddit.com
“A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”— sizzlekid, reddit.com
“After 2 hours, the man finally comes out of the bathroom. His wife walks over and says, "I think you might be constipated." The man replies, "Yeah no shit!”— njohhson, reddit.com
“Wife asked me what am I doing Me: Killing Mosquitos Wife: How many have you killed? Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male Wife: How did you know their gender? Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet”— You_cant_be_Sirius, reddit.com
“So today my wife was screaming ‘Give it to me, I’m so wet! give it to me! She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.”— raydeep, reddit.com
“My wife asked me what I thought the sexiest thing was about her. Apparently, "how much you look like your sister" was not the correct answer.”— Mr_Scooty_Butt, reddit.com
“My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.”— Scottish_Hot_Rod, reddit.com
“My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work... ...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.”— Ensphinxed, reddit.com
“My wife and I were going to have sex. After laying there for ten minutes, she turned to me and said... "What? You can't think of anybody either?"”— jseyfer, reddit.com
“A little boy asked his mommy 'Mommy, what's that big hairy thing between your legs?' The mother replied, 'It's daddy now close the fucking bedroom door!'”— johnnykitd, reddit.com
“My wife asked me to take out the spider... We went out for drinks, and he was a pretty cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.”— StrongPutin, reddit.com
“My wife's got Meatloaf underwear. On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.”— rumblefish65, reddit.com
“Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake.”— raydeep, reddit.com