Quotes tagged ‘Puns’

(454 total)

“What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.”

“How come oysters never donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.”

“Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg? He’s all right now.”

“I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.”

“What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad away.”

“What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.”

“Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert? Because they’re always stuffed.”

“Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Everything’s fine. He woke up.”

“What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!”

“How do fish get high? Seaweed.”

“What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.”

“What does a grape say after it’s stepped on? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.”

“Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? To avoid getting hearing AIDS.”

“Time flies when you throw your obnoxious alarm clock across the room.”

“My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.”

“I hate change but I also hate change, so if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I’m not sure how I’ll feel.”

“My vacuum cleaner broke in the middle of cleaning and I can’t tell if the situation sucks or not.”

“Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? Because it was cultured.”

“A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately, it isn’t of soap.”

“Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor—it rubbed me the wrong way.”