“So it said 'You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.' I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sh…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I just always loved stand-up. It's like magic. You say something, and a whole room full of people laughs together. Say something else, they laugh again. The fact that people come to see that and participate in that... I don't know, it's just like magic.”— Dave Chappelle, avclub.com