“I've been deleting and reactivating Tinder for six years. You know you've had a dating app for too long when you start noticing people's personal growth. When you're swiping through like 'oh cool, Freddie420 went to grad school after all.'”— Dina Hashem, facebook.com
“Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel 'Something...Tree'," So they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'.…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”— Mitch Hedberg, cc.com
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat o…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said ‘please try again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration fro…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other s…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Di…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity. Got me again!”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com