Oscar: Wait, is this all part of your master plan? Gabby: What do you mean? Oscar: We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left?
Teddy: You already have a great job. You host a national radio show from your apartment. If you want you could do it naked, or eating a pizza, or getting a massage. If you play your cards right, you could do all three at once. Oscar: That is the dream.
Oscar: And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time, you're quite a bunter. Felix: Since we're being honest, I did not know what bunting was, I was swinging as hard as I could.
Murph, you probably hear this all the time, but carry me to the bedroom!
Emily: Oh, hey, Oscar, did I wake you? Oscar: No, I'm always up at this hour to milk the cows, make sure Ma is warming the griddle.
Oscar: Hey Gab, so where are we on the hugging situation? Gabby: Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick. Oscar: Wow it's like you never left.
Oscar Madison: Your name is Homer? [Shocked upon hearing Speed's real name from the guard] Speed: [Sarcastically] What? You think when I was born my parents named me SPEED?
Oscar Madison: [Oscar loses Felix's burial deposit, and goes to the cemetery to make amends] I just want to know who bought plot 204. Cemetery Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's privileged information... We don't give that out to the public. Oscar Madison: Well, I can appreciate that, but I…
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