“Oscar: Wait, is this all part of your master plan? Gabby: What do you mean? Oscar: We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left?”Tagged: Divorce, master plan
“So I get to put on a suit and talk about how great you are? I was hoping to avoid that until your funeral.”Tagged: funeral, Eulogy
“Teddy: You already have a great job. You host a national radio show from your apartment. If you want you could do it naked, or eating a pizza, or getting a massage. If you play your cards right, you could do all three at once. Oscar: That is the dream.”Tagged: Dream, Pizza, male fantasies, dude heaven
“Oscar: And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time, you're quite a bunter. Felix: Since we're being honest, I did not know what bunting was, I was swinging as hard as I could.”Tagged: softball, bunting
“Emily: Oh, hey, Oscar, did I wake you? Oscar: No, I'm always up at this hour to milk the cows, make sure Ma is warming the griddle.”Tagged: farm living
“Oscar: Hey Gab, so where are we on the hugging situation? Gabby: Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick. Oscar: Wow it's like you never left.”Tagged: Hugging
“David Steinberg: I noticed that Felix takes his used flashbulbs and he puts them back in their boxes. And he keeps them all so neatly stacked. Oscar Madison: He's the same way at home. It's like living with a chipmunk.”Tagged: meticulous, chipmunk, neat, Prissy
“Oscar Madison: Your name is Homer? [Shocked upon hearing Speed's real name from the guard] Speed: [Sarcastically] What? You think when I was born my parents named me SPEED?”Tagged: Homer, speed, Parents
“Oscar Madison: [Oscar loses Felix's burial deposit, and goes to the cemetery to make amends] I just want to know who bought plot 204. Cemetery Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's privileged information... We don't give that out to the public. Oscar Madison: Well, I can appreciate that, but I…”Tagged: Cemeteries, burial plots
“Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.”Tagged: Christmas, Anti-Christmas