“How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”
More from Tom Haverford
“Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.”
“I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.”
“Treat Yo Self!”
“'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies,…”