“Eve Baxter: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together?
Mandy Baxter: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend?
Eve Baxter: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community?
Mandy Baxter: Why can't Courteney Cox join the Friends cast reunion?
Eve Baxter: Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?
Mandy Baxter: Why can't Channing Tatum keep his shirt on?”
More from Vince Calandra
“Wait here! Let's celebrate the first day of our eventual demise. I'll light the candle.”
“...death is life's great reward!”
“They grow so fast, then leave ya. You just hope you raise them right.”
“You know, you oughta be more careful. All this dying might be bad for your health.”