“You Babies are so dumb, I'm suprised you even know which end of the bottle to suck!”Tagged: dumb, bottle, Stupid, Sassy, Diss
“All right, all right, to all my winos, gamblers and drug dealers, Happy Thanksgiving.”Tagged: winos, Gamblers, Drug Dealers, Happy Thanksgiving, Toast
“Boyd Baxter: I'm doing a class project on what we're thankful for. Kristin Baxter: He want's to do a video like your vlogs for Outdoor Man. Mike Baxter: Everybody's thankful for those. Boyd Baxter: I like the one where the president needs to pull his head out of Putin's butt.”Tagged: Vlogs, outdoor man, class project
“Football on, women setting the table, why can't every day be Thanksgiving?”Tagged: Football, gender roles, Thanksgiving
“Vanessa Baxter: Eve is opening doors for women. Kristin Baxter: Hmm, just like Hillary Clinton. Mike Baxter: Well, Hillary better knock... make sure Bill's got his pants on.”Tagged: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, glass ceiling
“Vanessa Baxter: Mike, I thought there was supposed to be an article about you in the Denver Business Weekly? Mike Baxter: The guy needed more time. Apparently, five thousand words isn't enough to take in all of this. Vanessa Baxter: Well, that's the price you pay for being so fascinating. Mike…”Tagged: denver business weeklyl, fascinating, geologist, dodged a bullet
“Kyle Anderson: Ya know, you gotta give it up for Columbus. Discoverin' the New World. Mike Baxter: Well, I'll give him this, he's a good salesman. Kyle Anderson: I think you mean sailo. Mike Baxter: No, I mean salesman. He was an Italian, got the Spanish to pay for three trips to India, which he…”Tagged: christopher columbus, India, spanish, italian, Sailor
“Mandy Baxter: Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, Dad's in a magazine. Sorry, did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me? Eve Baxter: You don't need a publicist. Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks? Mandy Baxter: Joke's on you. I don't know what a limerick is.”Tagged: limericks, publicity, joke's on you
“Mike Baxter: [after almost driving into a sinkhole] Oh, man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second. [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat] Get back in there. Sit back down. [after backing away from the sinkhole] Okay, listen, you sure you're all right? Boyd…”Tagged: Driving, bad driving, Accidents, Karate
“President Richard Nixon once said, 'People react to fear, not love.' Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him.”Tagged: Richard Nixon, Fear, Love
“Eve Baxter: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together? Mandy Baxter: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend? Eve Baxter: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community? Mandy Baxter: Why can't Courteney Cox…”Tagged: newspaper, Middle East, north korea, courteney cox, Friends
“Ed Alzate: With this water purifier they can drink their own pee. Mike Baxter: Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.”Tagged: water purifiers, Pee, selling point
“Eve Baxter: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world. Mandy Baxter: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.”Tagged: Condescension, Pregnancy, insults
“Mike Baxter: Okay, what Supreme Court justice do we want to retire? Boyd Baxter: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Mike Baxter: Nice! And what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever? Boyd Baxter: Don't tell me, I know this one... Mike Baxter: I gave you a little hint, remember? The star method?…”Tagged: supreme court justices, antonin scalia, ruth bader ginsburg, Clarence Thomas
“Mr. Noggin: You don't understand! Nobody understands! And so, I became a recluse, forever hidden and lonely. Spare the world my grotesqueness! Oh Lord! I put my pants on one leg at a time, too! Have you no heart? Ren Höek: You're right. I will mend my evil ways. Starting tomorrow!”
“The blessed transformation into adulthood. Once you are a man, you'll in turn take care of me, catering to my every whim, for the remainder of your natural life. How's that sound?”