“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking, please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was reading a book—The History of Glue—I couldn’t put it down.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go, can you?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’ve spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything—trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint—this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover—it was just collecting dust.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, Didgeridoo, aboriginal, ABBA