“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, Hunting
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, Wordplay
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, British Telecom
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, One-Liners, Grim Reaper
“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes—I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, One-Liners, Puns