“Buddha didn't get married because his wife would have said, ‘What, are you going to sit around like that all day?’”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Buddha, Marriage
“The problem with the Pledge of Allegiance isn't the ‘God’ part. It's the ‘pledge’ part. Does a child know what kind of commitment he's making, and to whom, and at what cost?”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Pledge of Allegiance, God
“I was anxious and depressed ahead of my time. I didn't need 9/11 to realize that in life, anything can happen. I've been on a state of alert since high school. Code plaid.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: 9/11, Anxiety, Depression
“A woman once asked me to autograph her T-shirt right across the chest. It only occurred to me later that she may have recognized me.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.com
“I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.com
“I never listen to the audiotapes of my shrink sessions because the audience is usually so bad, I can't tell which jokes work and which ones don't.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: therapy, comedy
“Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.com
“Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Dr. Phil
“I remember when I was a struggling comic appearing for the first time in Las Vegas. Don Rickles came in to watch the new guy. Afterward, he came backstage, and I asked him if he thought I was funny. He said, ‘You know when you're funny. You don't have to ask.’ And he was right.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Las Vegas, Don Rickles, Comedians
“Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.com
“Smoothies might be fattening. Especially the ones made with frozen yogurt and gin.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.com
“Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Dogs
“Love is not enough to save a relationship.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Love, Relationships
“I had a car accident when I was twenty-seven in which I was nearly killed. I had a vivid near-death experience that involved a voice asking, ‘Do you want to continue leading Garry Shandling's life?’ Without thinking, I said, ‘Yes.’ Since then, I've been stuck living in the physical world while knowi…”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Car Accidents
“Dating a professional actress is tough. Especially if you're up for the same part.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Dating, Acting
“I started boxing for exercise, and on the very first day, the trainer got in the ring with me and said, ‘Whoever controls the breathing in the ring controls the fight.’ I immediately passed out.”— Garry Shandling, esquire.comTagged: Boxing, Exercise