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What I've Learned

: Garry Shandlingby Garry Shandling(26 total)

Buddha didn't get married because his wife would have said, ‘What, are you going to sit around like that all day?’

The problem with the Pledge of Allegiance isn't the ‘God’ part. It's the ‘pledge’ part. Does a child know what kind of commitment he's making, and to whom, and at what cost?

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Pledge of Allegiance God

Nothing can succeed and last without teamwork.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Teamwork

I was anxious and depressed ahead of my time. I didn't need 9/11 to realize that in life, anything can happen. I've been on a state of alert since high school. Code plaid.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

9/11 Anxiety Depression

Intellect without heart scares me.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Intellect heart

A woman once asked me to autograph her T-shirt right across the chest. It only occurred to me later that she may have recognized me.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

I never listen to the audiotapes of my shrink sessions because the audience is usually so bad, I can't tell which jokes work and which ones don't.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

therapy comedy

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Dr. Phil

Some people can fake it their whole lives.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

I remember when I was a struggling comic appearing for the first time in Las Vegas. Don Rickles came in to watch the new guy. Afterward, he came backstage, and I asked him if he thought I was funny. He said, ‘You know when you're funny. You don't have to ask.’ And he was right.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Las Vegas Don Rickles Comedians

Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Smoothies might be fattening. Especially the ones made with frozen yogurt and gin.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

My mother did the best she could. Sorry.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

mothers

Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Dogs

Love is not enough to save a relationship.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Love Relationships

I had a car accident when I was twenty-seven in which I was nearly killed. I had a vivid near-death experience that involved a voice asking, ‘Do you want to continue leading Garry Shandling's life?’ Without thinking, I said, ‘Yes.’ Since then, I've been stuck living in the physical world while knowi…

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Car Accidents

Dating a professional actress is tough. Especially if you're up for the same part.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Dating Acting

I started boxing for exercise, and on the very first day, the trainer got in the ring with me and said, ‘Whoever controls the breathing in the ring controls the fight.’ I immediately passed out.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

Boxing Exercise

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