“Me: I won't make it. Go on without me. Her: It's a toe cramp M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood H: That's sweat M: Tell my story”— MehGyver, but Spooky, twitter.com
“People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself”— Autumn Crafton, twitter.com
“I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.The other 7 glasses are just for me.”— Decant & Pour, twitter.com
“I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display”— beth loves ghosts, so, twitter.com
“Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.”— Just Call Me Kitten, twitter.com
“This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.”— Sarcasticsapien, twitter.com
“18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese”— dan mentos, twitter.com
“GOD: it's time I punished the humans again JESUS: cool. flood or plague? GOD: [watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..”— HAUNTigula, twitter.com
“Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.”— WineMummy, twitter.com
“'There's plenty of fish in the sea' is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.”— Dumb Beezie, twitter.com
“Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say 'Netflix and avoiding responsibilities.'”— Anna Kendrick, twitter.com
“The scent wafting out of Abercrombie stores is a f--king day ruiner. How did they manage to bottle the smell of high school and rejection?”— Anna Kendrick, twitter.com
“I don't understand people who buy fireworks. Fireworks are beautiful yes, but so are majestic jungle cats. I still prefer them far away.”— Anna Kendrick, twitter.com
“I have no desire for my Twitter feed to be filled with a bunch of people screaming ad hominem attacks against anyone who voiced something different from how they feel.”— Lin-Manuel Miranda, rollingstone.com
“If Twitter’s stock price goes any lower, I’m concerned that none of us are ever going to get paid for this.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com
“Happy birthday Twitter! I love you. You're like my best friend who I talk to endlessly but don't have to listen to their problems.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com
“The lifeline of caching is performance. It is sometimes surprising to see how often people would take the tradeoff of slightly incorrect data in exchange of fast data access. Because of its economy, caching is also the answer to scalability – intended as an optimization, plenty of systems will colla…”— Yao Yue, twitter.github.io
“I use to wonder why some celebs don't have Twitter accts now I know. You can't be nice and communicate with fans cause people crazy.”— Leslie Jones, twitter.com
“People should be able to express diverse opinions and beliefs on Twitter. But no one deserves to be subjected to targeted abuse online, and our rules prohibit inciting or engaging in the targeted abuse or harassment of others. Over the past 48 hours in particular, we’ve seen an uptick in the number…”— Anonymous Twitter Spokesperson, buzzfeed.com