“I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I am a comedian because I tell dark jokes.”— Anthony Jeselnik, imdb.com
“Did you not have a father growing up? Drive around in circles with our new Mercedes-Benz, the car that hugs.”— Pete Davidson, gq.com
“Mad Sweeney: Your heart's not beating for this life anymore, dead wife. This life is done. Laura: Only felt my heart beat one time since I died. When I kissed Shadow. Mad Sweeney: That doesn't obligate him to feel shit. You're so worried about being alive, but to him you're already dead. Wait, you k…”— Maria Melnik, Laura Moon, Emily Browning, imdb.com
“Wednesday: That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins, why should Jesus do all the suffering? Shadow: Cause his dad sacrificed his ass. Wednesday: Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around. Although that White Jesus could stand a little more suffering. H…”— Maria Melnik, Mr. Wednesday, Ian McShane, imdb.com
“Mad Sweeney: You a rapist? Stranger: No. Mad Sweeney: Murderer? Stranger: Not recently.”— Maria Melnik, Mad Sweeney, Pablo Schreiber, imdb.com
“Sorry, I can't, I already have my eyes on someone who's not interested.”— April Eileen Henry, boredpanda.com
“Sorry, I can't, I'm already in a relationship with my self-destruction.”— April Eileen Henry, boredpanda.com
“If you need me, I'll be creating an imaginary world just to stay alive.”— April Eileen Henry, boredpanda.com
“I like a good banana peel, I like all of that. I was raised on the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges, which is a little cruel. It's kind of like, in a way, dark.”— Danny DeVito, cbsnews.com
“Caleb: I just thought, with everything going on right now we should do this while we still can. Plus, um, you know, if we're married, we can't testify against each other. Hanna: Oh, so it's a twofer.”— I. Marlene King, Caleb Rivers, Tyler Blackburn, imdb.com
“Sorry, sarcasm is my brain's self-defense mechanism for whenever I'm about to be murdered.”— I. Marlene King, Ezra Fitz, Ian Harding, imdb.com
“James: Isn't it a bit fucked up, wearing his clothes? Alyssa: I think the fucked up bit was murdering him.”— Charlie Covell, Alyssa, Jessica Barden, imdb.com
“It would not surprise me terribly if the show ended with the reveal that Penelope was masterminding every single one of these murders just to see if she could feel anything.”— David Berry, nationalpost.com
“There is a profile that fits this behaviour, and it is called being a psychopath. Shame the Criminal Minds team is too busy categorizing dead hooker body parts to notice the terror in their own backyard.”— David Berry, nationalpost.com