Quotes tagged ‘Funny Jokes’

(32 total)

“I tell ya' this steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it.”

“If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history.”

“Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.”

“My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.”

“The key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra....”

“I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.”

“Why do people say no offense right before they’re about to offend you?”

“People say go big or go home, as if going home is a bad thing? Like hell yeah I wanna go home, and I’m gonna take a nap when I get there.”

“Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the 'pull out' method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.”

“Roes are red. Violets are blue. Vodka costs less than dinner for two.”