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Quotes tagged ‘Funny Quotes’

(176 total)

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

— Unknown, amazon.com

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

— Unkown, quora.com

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

— Unknown, tickld.com

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

— Joseph Nuttin, amazon.com

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

— Droidgee, imgur.com

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

— Jackie Mason, amazon.com

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

— Melissa L. Bryant, amazon.com

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

— Scrappy_Larue, reddit.com

I gotta stop bringing up finishing seasons of TV shows like it's an accomplishment

— Mike Ginn, twitter.com

There's nothing more beautifully optimistic than a sign for a lost bird.

— Mike Ginn, twitter.com

My favorite posture is leaning. Shows I’m not having a good enough time to stand up straight, but haven’t given up entirely and sat down.

— Mike Ginn, twitter.com

It's like I tell my daughter, you're going to swipe right on a lot of toads before Prince Charming DM's you out of the blue.

— Trevor, twitter.com

I came. I saw. I made it awkward.

— Trevor, twitter.com

Serious tweet: phone companies could save lives and prevent texting & driving accidents if they admit nobody ever wants to type 'ducking.'

— Trevor, twitter.com

The inventor of movie showtimes has died. Those wishing to pay their respects can attend services at 4:30, 5:10, 6:20, 8:15, 9:30 and 10:45.

— Zac Kapowski, twitter.com

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

— Mayor, twitter.com

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

— Denise, twitter.com

Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.

— Denise, twitter.com

Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.

— Denise, twitter.com

This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I thought it would.

— Boyd, twitter.com

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