Quotes tagged ‘Funny Quotes’

(176 total)

“Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.”

“Why is abbreviation such a long word?”

“Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra....”

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”

“You can't have everything... where would you put it?”

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

“I gotta stop bringing up finishing seasons of TV shows like it's an accomplishment”

“There's nothing more beautifully optimistic than a sign for a lost bird.”

“My favorite posture is leaning. Shows I’m not having a good enough time to stand up straight, but haven’t given up entirely and sat down.”

“It's like I tell my daughter, you're going to swipe right on a lot of toads before Prince Charming DM's you out of the blue.”

“I came. I saw. I made it awkward.”

“Serious tweet: phone companies could save lives and prevent texting & driving accidents if they admit nobody ever wants to type 'ducking.'”

“The inventor of movie showtimes has died. Those wishing to pay their respects can attend services at 4:30, 5:10, 6:20, 8:15, 9:30 and 10:45.”

“I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism”

“If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.”

“Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.”

“Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.”

“This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I thought it would.”