“Something is wrong with America. I wonder sometimes what people are thinking about or if they're thinking at all.”— Bob Dole, amazon.com
“1st Sext Virgo: My kink is an Excel spreadsheet of your problems Sagittarius: [pic of poem they wrote crying at the beach]”— Astro Poets, twitter.com
“I was going to clean the house but then I remembered all the female art that has been lost to housework over the centuries and decided I owe it to feminism not to do this shit.”— Sarah Stovell, twitter.com
“The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button.”— Brené Brown, amazon.com
“Honey I creative directed my walk over here today. Anyone can be a creative director.”— Ryan O’Connell, itunes.apple.com
“Writing advice I give, but did not use today: never stare at the screen all day.”— Alexis Coe, twitter.com
“What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it's 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.”— Aparna Nancherla, twitter.com
“Whenever we hang out, I remember that God really does have a sense of humor.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“I just keep producing high-quality work. That’s why I have 8,202 followers.”— Heather Havrilesky, theawl.com
“Always be super-polite and light-hearted with your editors, and never give them any indication that you’ve been waiting for a check for so long and your credit card balances are getting so high that your pulse starts racing every time you think about it, so much so that you’ve started to soothe your…”— Heather Havrilesky, theawl.com
““HEY IS THERE A CHECK ON THE WAY FINALLY? LOL! THIS BIG GUY WITH A BASEBALL BAT AT MY FRONT DOOR WANTS TO KNOW! OMG MY KNEES! XXXOOO””— Heather Havrilesky, theawl.com
“See how I was thinking about a smell? That’s how you know I’m a real artist and not some fucking hack who writes light verse for The New Yorker.”— Heather Havrilesky, theawl.com
“Someone told me Betty White was 96 the other day and I got extremely stressed out. Who would want to live to be 96? I can’t imagine 6 more decades of this shit.”— Chrissy Stockton, thoughtcatalog.com
“I kind of think I could fall in love with him. Also, he has a car.”— Jonathan Entwistle, Alyssa, Jessica Barden, imdb.com
“My mum says that if food were her boyfriend, she'd be in an abusive relationship.”— Jonathan Entwistle, Alyssa, Jessica Barden, imdb.com
“Do not talk to your mother and father when you’re crying. Because what happens is, your mom has the ability to make you weep even more, and your dad makes you feel like a fucking idiot.”— Dane Cook, youtube.com
“Why is it that the street you’re looking for always has a tree from the Mesozoic Era growing around the sign? You’re looking for like Mount Vernon and all you see is like the N. And you drive by going, “That was probably it.””— Dane Cook, youtube.com
“Let me tell you why women, you win 99.9% of all fights. Yup. Yup, and I’ll tell you why right now. Here it is: because you are mental terrorists. You are brain ninjas and you know how to get in there with your katana and just cut us; and disappear into the night.”— Dane Cook, youtube.com