“What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, cause it has the most stories.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, 'Spit out your gum' and the other says, 'Choo choo choo.'”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What did the janitor yell after he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!””— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it? A waist of time.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg? He’s all right now.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Of course you want to touch women. They're impossible to resist, I relate to your frustration because sometimes I will see a service dog at the airport, cause I'm gonna pet that...dog.”— Whitney Cummings, Herself, Whitney Cummings, imdb.com
“Comedians attempting to function as normal people.”— Jerry Seinfeld, Himself - Host, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com
“I have never had to be brave. Bravery is for parents and people who get tattoos in another language or dare to eat pinkish chicken.”— Scaachi Koul, amazon.com
“Jenna tried to take deep breaths and lose herself in the normally calming wave motions of the stingray exhibit. But the wave of nausea followed by the smell of penguin poop kept wafting into her nostrils, telling her to get out now! There is no time!”— Reductress, reductress.com
“As you can see, nothing about me has changed. I’m still the same girl who drove you crazy with her desire to speak up. And yet — you’re still tuning in.”— Maggie Lakes, medium.com
“Food-wise, this potluck will end up being mostly chips. But, don’t worry, I’ll be sure to clear fridge space for all the bodega six-packs, which is what most of you will contribute.”— James Folta, newyorker.com
“As I creep closer towards 30 years old I’m finding myself researching the best kind of coffee bean to buy and whether or not this Cuisinart is a machine that can brew me a solid cup. I need to get a life.”— John Duda, bookofduda.com