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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

— Benny Hill, books.google.com

She has a black belt in cookery—she can kill you with one chop.

— Benny Hill, books.google.com

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Christmas We'd all be Jewish.

— Benny Hill, books.google.com

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

— Benny Hill, express.co.uk

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

— Karl Pilkington, amazon.com

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

— Karl Pilkington, goodreads.com

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

— Karl Pilkington, amazon.com

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

— Karl Pilkington, amazon.com

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

— Karl Pilkington, imdb.com

I have stopped with contingency apologies. “I’m sorry if I was a little ____ last night.” Trust in other people’s right to tell you they’re upset. And then live like no news is good news.

— John Mayer, twitter.com

I heard that when a girl likes you she laughs at all your jokes, whether or not they are funny... So I thought all the girls loved me turns out I'm just hilarious.

— Slowbro18, reddit.com

I have always thought it was a terrible shame that the women's movement didn't realize how much easier it was to reach people by making them laugh than by shaking a fist and saying, 'Don't you see how oppressed you are?'

— Nora Ephron, telegraph.co.uk

The jealousy I feel toward one of my nemeses is stoked by Snapchat. I see their snaps and want to punch their face a hundred times.

— Roxane Gay, twitter.com

We have all seen avocado toast. Every single one of us. It is indeed very tasty. But unless yours comes with gold flakes, there is really no need to share that picture.

— Hayley Bloomingdale, vogue.com

Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude.

— Etta James, books.google.com.ph

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

— Leonard Bernstein, goodreads.com

Just got a Starbucks coffee and the holiday cup turned me gay. I'm now officially a gay man. That's how it happens. I should have heeded that email my uncle forwarded to me. Now I must shove my agenda in the face of heterosexual conservatives. I don't write the rules.

— Rex Huppke, twitter.com

Whoever said money can't solve your problems has never had a set of headphones break.

— Maggie Stiefvater, twitter.com

Live, laugh, love, self-sabotage.

— Katie Mather, thoughtcatalog.com

neat, adj.: I define acceptable clutter as anything that doesn't rot.

— David Levithan, twitter.com

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