“nonsense, n.: I remember how, between classes, she’d proclaim, ‘I am an elephant!’ There’s no way you can understand what that meant to me.”— David Levithan, twitter.com
“Words and phrases like chakra, energy, and ‘I’m sorry I’m late, but Mercury is in retrograde’ are all major boner killers for me. But unfortunately, even in notoriously skeptical New York, it’s increasingly difficult to find someone who doesn’t believe that some magical cosmic force is dictating eve…”— Karley Sciortino, vogue.com
“Me: *pulls over for an ambulance* 3-year-old: No. Race! She's never getting her license.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Dad, did you ever learn to tap dance? Me: No. 5: *looks at me like I've wasted my life*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Yoga instructor: *folds herself in triangles like an American flag* Me: Maybe I'll try the beginner class.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[in the car] 5-year-old: Go faster. Me: Don't be a backseat driver. 5: Then let me up front.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“My 3-year-old learned to say, "Just kidding." I just wish she didn't say it after "I love you.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: I'm watching my weight. Want to split a candy bar? Wife: Sure. [30 seconds later] Me: Want to split six more?”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Wife: *points to a high shelf* Can you reach that for me? Me: You need me in your life after all. Wife: I could replace you with a step ladder.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“I got a papercut from a pizza box and I have never felt more betrayed in my life.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[pig loses a baby tooth] 5-year-old: Now the tooth fairy will come! Me: I don't think the tooth fairy comes for pigs. 5: She does, but the money goes to me.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: I don't want to go to school anymore. Me: You have to. It's your job. 5: Then why don't I get paid?”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Every time I learn something new, I forget something old. Me: What do you forget? 5: I don't remember.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Happy week and remember if you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.”— Paulo Coelho, twitter.com
“The one constant is thirty years of business flying is watching other people play solitaire. Windows to iOS, some things never change.”— Chris Anderson, twitter.com
“Humor is a wonderful way to deal with our suffering because if we can laugh at our troubles, we can feel better. Thich Nhat Hanh is a special man who has helped millions with their suffering with incredible technique. But he doesn't know real suffering, because he has not dated as much as I have.”— Garry Shandling, nydailynews.com
“Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.”— Jackie Gleason, books.google.com