Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

“I wish seeing you naked was as good as wishing I could see you naked.”

“Sexually transmitted infections are like hangovers. They're not great, but neither is moderation.”

“You're a good person and I love you. This just isn't the life I hoped I'd have.”

“It would be easier to deal with falling out of love if it hadn't somehow made the sex exciting again.”

“They should have included a picture of your smile in the space probe as a warning.”

“Unrequited love is a waste of time. Just walk it off. There. I said it.”

“What would I do without you? Him, probably.”

“I wonder if the ugly duckling felt stupid when he realized being pretty didn't magically solve all his problems.”

“Moderation is like a foreign language. You have to learn that shit when you're young.”

“They say when you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. They underestimate me.”

“Look. I'm just being honest. That excuses me from empathy or tact right?”

“I don't understand your complaint. There totally is a straight pride march. That same day, too. On all the other streets.”

“I'm sorry about those late night emails. I only said those things because I was too drunk to be afraid.”

“I disagree with your opinion but I will defend to the death your right to go fuck yourself.”

“I will always love you. Or anyway, I will always have loved you now.”

“The best revenge is living well. The second best revenge is fire ants.”

“I wonder how many hauntings go unreported because wailing and the clank of chains are still better than an empty house.”

“You are the love of my life so far.”

“You make me want to pretend to be a better man.”

“Good decisions are just bad decisions you didn't get to make.”