“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“If you need your public profile to be all positive, you’re sick in the head. I do the work I do, and what happens next I can’t look after.”— Louis CK, vulture.com
“‘This is a dark day,’ he said. ‘But I hold out hope that, come November, Americans could become dumber than us once more.”— Andy Borowitz, newyorker.com
“There are some people who believe that home is where one hangs one's hat, but these people tend to live in closets and on little pegs.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“I will love you if you don’t marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else your co-star, perhaps, or Y., or even O., or anyone Z. through A., even R. Although sadly I believe it will be quite some time before two women can be allowed to marry and I will love you if you have a child, and I will…”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“A successful villain should have all these things at his or her villainous fingertips, or else give up villainy altogether and try to lead a life of decency, integrity, and kindness, which is much more challenging and noble, if not always quite as exciting.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“Normally it is not polite to go into somebody’s room without knocking, but you can make an exception if the person is dead, or pretending to be dead.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you'd see.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“What happens in a certain place can stain your feelings for that location, just as ink can stain a white sheet. You can wash it, and wash it, and still never forget what has transpired - a word which here means 'happened, and made everybody sad'.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“Having a personal philosophy is like having a pet marmoset, because it may be very attractive when you acquire it, but there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a spl…”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of 'systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister,' which is easier done than said.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“It is very frustrating not to be understood in this world. If you say one thing and keep being told that you mean something else, it can make you want to scream. But somewhere in the world there is a place for all of us, whether you are an electric form of decoration, peppermint-scented sweet, a sou…”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com
“Even though there are no ways of knowing for sure, there are ways of knowing for pretty sure.”— Lemony Snicket, amazon.com