“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar—it’s murder on the Orient Express.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, ‘I want to buy an ice cream.’ He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking, please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk