“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go, can you?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’ve spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything—trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint—this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk