Quotes tagged ‘Jokes’

“What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.”

— Ann Cherkis, Jimmy McGill, Bob Odenkirk, imdb.com

“Kim Wexler: 'Saul Goodman.' Jimmy McGill: Yeah. It's like, 'S'all good, man.'”

— Ann Cherkis, Jimmy McGill, Bob Odenkirk, imdb.com

“Sorry, I was too busy James Bonding it up in here.”

— Steve Franks, Shawn Spencer, James Roday, imdb.com

“Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present. Brian Griffin:Really? Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.”

— Patrick Meighan, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

“Shawn: This place is trashed. Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by. Shawn: I'm sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?”

— Anupam Nigam, Shawn Spencer, James Roday, imdb.com

“You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.”

— Alex Cuthbertson, Matt Fusfeld, Kenny Schwartz, Rick Wiener, Francine Smith (voice), Wendy Schaal, imdb.com

“Instead of Coachella, it should be called Whole Paycheckella.”

— Zoe Jarman, Adam DeMamp, Adam DeVine, imdb.com

“Jack: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch. Liz: Those weren’t jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency. Jack: Well, they got big laughs.”

— Dave Finkel, Brett Baer, Jack Burditt, Jack Donaghy, Alec Baldwin, imdb.com

“What's that stupid thing the kids are saying? YOLO? YOLO, Quinn.”

— Shonda Rhimes, Chris Van Dusen, Huck, Guillermo Diaz, imdb.com

“J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'd like to take this one. Dr. Cox: Go ahead. J.D.: Mr. Steel, first name, Man of. Dr. Cox: And you're done.”

— Janae Bakken, Perry Cox, John C. McGinley, imdb.com

“J.D.: Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign. Janitor: Yeah, benign, nine and a half...”

— Neil Goldman, Garrett Donovan, Janitor, Neil Flynn, imdb.com

“What happens when a bear is in the rain for too long? He becomes a drizzly bear.”

— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com

“Are dogs good at science? Well, labs are.”

— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com

“Wanna hear a bad cat joke? Just kitten!”

— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com

“Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. I don't even really write the jokes, they just come into my head, and a joke can't come into my head on stage, because I'm too busy.”

— Steven Wright, avclub.com

“The idea comes, then the wording comes within 25 seconds. And then it’s done. And if I say it and it doesn’t work, I don’t change it, I get rid of it.”

— Steven Wright, theguardian.com

“My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.”

— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk

“You know, I’m not very good at magic—I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”

— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”

— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk