“How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.”— yungfeezy, reddit.com
“What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids!”— WarMachine79, reddit.com
“Why are train sets like boobs?They're both meant for kids, but adults can enjoy them too.”— RowFullMayo, reddit.com
“Me: *pulls over for an ambulance* 3-year-old: No. Race! She's never getting her license.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Dad, did you ever learn to tap dance? Me: No. 5: *looks at me like I've wasted my life*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“3-year-old: What happened to you? Me: What are you talking about? 3: *whispering* What happened? Now I'm concerned.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[in the car] 5-year-old: Go faster. Me: Don't be a backseat driver. 5: Then let me up front.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“My 3-year-old learned to say, "Just kidding." I just wish she didn't say it after "I love you.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: What did you learn at school today? 5-year-old: Boring stuff I didn’t want to know. Me: Maybe you'll learn something fun tomorrow. 5: I already learned all the good stuff.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[pig loses a baby tooth] 5-year-old: Now the tooth fairy will come! Me: I don't think the tooth fairy comes for pigs. 5: She does, but the money goes to me.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“My 5-year-old called the frost on the car "frosting" and I just realized her world is 1,000 times better than mine.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“3-year-old: *squeezes stuffed unicorn* Me: You don't have to hug it so hard. 3: I'm getting its powers.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Procreation is not the only meaning of life, for then life in itself would become meaningless, and something which in itself is meaningless cannot be rendered meaningful merely by its perpetuation.”— Viktor Frankl, amazon.com
“What happens to your eyesight when you have kids? You get adult super vision.”— Wal-Flower, reddit.com
“Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!”— drdangelina, reddit.com
“My 3-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present this year. Yeah. And I’ve known him for a couple years. So I’m not talking to him.”— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com