“One guy drank six oatmeal stouts in lieu of eating an actual meal.”— John McDermott, melmagazine.com
“Would you rather be groped in a bus or groped in a bar, and also what were you wearing, you filthy skank?”— Isabella Giovannini, mcsweeneys.net
“Eggs — despite generally being placed next to milk and yogurt at the grocery store — aren’t actually dairy.”— Ian Lecklitner, melmagazine.com
“No one thinks it’s cool that you puked but caught it with your paper plate. It’s gross.”— Sophia Benoit, gq.com
“Are our doctors just psychopaths who all meet to discuss ways to alienate their patients?”— Jonathan Greene, medium.com
“Bathe in my clawfoot bathtub and shave my legs in the tub even though the angle makes it almost impossible.”— Devon Henry, medium.com
“I believe that when millennials eventually secede and form our own nation, the flag will be an image of avocado toast on a light pink background.”— Cady Drell, marieclaire.com
“We'll go back when they're done and then they'll care about things again.”— Will McPhail, newyorker.com
“Toot this baby out with the vibrato that only a high-school-level flautist can achieve, and his dick will be shooting out of his pants to dance along to its favorite song. Now that’s star quality!”— Rose Schwartzburg, reductress.com
“He is a hot, sad, thin ghost. Surely there’s a real sweetheart under all those dumb tattoos. I bet I can fix him.”— Scaachi Koul, buzzfeed.com
“I always say that I could have probably used a drink right out of the womb. I’ve never been that chill about being alive.”— Melissa Broder, hazlitt.net
“All I know is that I’ve never felt better, perhaps because my central nervous system is no longer firing hunger pain signals, or any other kinds of signals for that matter.”— Ross Wolinsky, mcsweeneys.net
“We all know it: writing — literally just the act of sitting down and starting to write — is physically impossible.”— Katie Heaney, thecut.com
“I love what my brown skin looks like and what it represents. And there are many times I’m fully unaware of my skin. The perfect example is I’m talking to somebody, and they would look at me and say, ‘So how do they do that in India?’ I say, ‘I’m not sure. I’m from Pakistan. But I can Google it for y…”— Habiba Nosheen, allure.com
“You can't do anything about that heat rash, or that sunburn, or that fatigue. You can only endure more of it, until the day morphs into one you will never forget for all the wrong reasons.”— Anne T. Donahue, cbc.ca
“My father loved The Old Man and the Sea, so I tried to love it. It left me unmoved. Mostly, I kept hoping the fish would get away.”— GQ, gq.com
“It’s like, I love making shit up and I love performing.…The mind is interesting to me. The mind is fun. I have fun hanging out with myself. I’m my own friend, and we have serious things, of course, but we also…I’ll think of things and laugh out loud by myself.”— Steven Wright, lasvegasmagazine.com
“why does everyone on bumble need to prove how outdoorsy they are? have you heard of sitting on a couch? it’s pretty nice, highly recommend.”— Kendra Syrdal, twitter.com