“What happens when a bear is in the rain for too long? He becomes a drizzly bear.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Why is it cheap to feed polar bears? Because they live on ice only.”— January Nelson, thoughtcatalog.com
“You should be off pudding. Because you're fat. You shouldn't eat any more pudding.”— Jennifer Lawrence, eonline.com
“You know, I’m not very good at magic—I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar—it’s murder on the Orient Express.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, ‘I want to buy an ice cream.’ He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk