“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking, please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go, can you?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’ve spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk