I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
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Quotes tagged ‘Puns’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
Velcro? What a rip-off!
Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking, please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’
I was reading a book—The History of Glue—I couldn’t put it down.
Black Beauty—now there’s a dark horse.
Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'
Conjunctivitis.com—that’s a site for sore eyes.
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go, can you?'
I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.
Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr. Rice Guy.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I’ve spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.