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Quotes tagged ‘Standup Comedy’

(14 total)

When you’re fifteen and you’re trying to figure out a way to perform, a magic act is perfect. Because you buy a trick and then it’s got patter written in the instructions. You know, 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...' You memorize that and you’ve got a show.

— Steve Martin, amazon.com

I only went up maybe twice after smoking a joint. And I slaughtered. I mean, I slaughtered the house. I annihilated everybody. At one point [Sam] Kinison was at the back of the room, and just for fun he was heckling me. And I was killing him. I was killing everybody. And I walked off stage and they…

— Jim Carrey, amazon.com

My dog thought I was a singer… because dogs don’t understand standup comedy.

— Margaret Cho, tim.blog

[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater. Lucy Ricardo: What? Ricky Ricardo: Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days. Lucy Ricardo: What did you do, bite him? [Audience laug…

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha. [Audience is silent] Lucy Ricardo: How many wheels does it have? [Audience laughs]

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

The dreams of my life were to go on The Tonight Show and to have a small part in a movie. When I was 28, I had been on The Tonight Show a bunch of times, and Risa Bramon, who was casting Desperately Seeking Susan—I didn't know her, but she liked my stand-up—brought me to the attention of the directo…

— Steven Wright, avclub.com

You're on a jet, you're five miles in the air, you're going 500 miles an hour, and you ask someone to bring you another Coke. That is as weird to me as any joke I said last night. I think that's why people identify with me, because there are a billion pieces of information, and there's so much chaos…

— Steven Wright, avclub.com

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. I don't even really write the jokes, they just come into my head, and a joke can't come into my head on stage, because I'm too busy.

— Steven Wright, avclub.com

Over the years, I've learned that the best way to react [to hecklers] is to ignore them. I don't need to be in a two-man band with a stranger when I'm doing what I do.

— Steven Wright, avclub.com

It’s like, I love making shit up and I love performing.…The mind is interesting to me. The mind is fun. I have fun hanging out with myself. I’m my own friend, and we have serious things, of course, but we also…I’ll think of things and laugh out loud by myself.

— Steven Wright, lasvegasmagazine.com

I just started at an open mic night in the 1970s and I’m still going, still doing now what I started to do then. I know other people might look up to me. But really, I’m just me after a bit of time has gone by.

— Steven Wright, theguardian.com

I love sex, I love it. I can't do shit no more. And I'm blessed. I'm big bone-ded. I'm heavy structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room get dark.

— Bernie Mac, youtube.com

Whew, shit, you patch-eyed mother fucker. You broke-leg son of a bitch.

— Bernie Mac, youtube.com

She said Mac, can I ask you a question, "Does pussy taste like pumpkin pie?" Made me mad as hell, I said "Don't ask me no damn question like that. I never had no pumpkin pie."

— Bernie Mac, youtube.com

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