Latest Quotes

“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”

— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh

“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!" "Well let's form a club then." "Alright, but we need more stipulations." "Yes we do; instead of cutting th…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sho…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”

— Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens…”

— Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum: A Novel (P.S.)

“The scholar's greatest weakness: calling procrastination research.”

— Stephen King, 11/22/63: A Novel

“I believe in love, you know; love is a uniquely portable magic. I don’t think it’s in the stars, but I do believe that blood calls to blood and mind calls to mind and heart to heart.”

— Stephen King, 11/22/63: A Novel

“Stupidity is one of the two things we see most clearly in retrospect. The other is missed chances.”

— Stephen King, 11/22/63: A Novel

“All 16 songs tally up to an experience that isn’t a comeback but isn’t the disaster people predicted when DeLonge left to chase aliens. Who’s to say what’s better: telling a friend ‘This is better than expected’ or ‘I didn’t hate it.’ The first implies enjoyment. The second implies stagnancy.”

— NINA CORCORAN, Album Review: Blink-182 – California

“Friends will leave you. YOU will never leave you.”

— Gigi Engle, Why The Older You Get, The More You Hate Everyone (And Why That's OK)

“You stop doing things to please other people and start doing things to please yourself. A lot of friendships will get trashed by this simple fact alone. Once you stop letting people treat you like garbage, most people don’t see a use for you anymore.”

— Gigi Engle, Why The Older You Get, The More You Hate Everyone (And Why That's OK)

“Tell him you’re excited to have his last name and then marry his brother.”

— Anonymous, via Tumblr