Latest Quotes

“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg Live @ Amherst College (9 of 9)

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "…”

— Mitch Hedberg, What About the Dufresnes?

“I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat o…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - 5 minutes special

“I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said ‘please try again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration fro…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - A Comic Genius

“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other s…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - A Comic Genius

“I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Di…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Bed & Breakfast (Mitch All Together ALBUM) StandUp Comedy Audio

“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”

— Mitch Hedberg, The Very Best Of Comedian - Mitch Hedberg

“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”

— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg

“I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity. Got me again!”

— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put…”

— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA

“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”

— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA

“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.”

— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA

“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Just For Laughs On The Edge

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I've got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know wh…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... In a way... Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but s…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg