Latest Quotes

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg

“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“So it said 'You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.' I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sh…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete

“A poem...begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.”

— Robert Frost, Letter to Louis Untermeyer

“That's when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn't the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn't enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn't enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say i…”

— Jenny Han, It's Not Summer Without You

“If you need something from somebody always give that person a way to hand it to you.”

— Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

“Relationships are mysterious. We doubt the positive qualities in others, seldom the negative. You will say to your partner: do you really love me? Are you sure you love me? You will ask this a dozen times and drive the person nuts. But you never ask: are you really mad at me? Are you sure you’re ang…”

— Christopher Pike, Remember Me: Remember Me; The Return; The Last Story

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that whil…”

— Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

“'Why is it,' he said, one time, at the subway entrance, 'I feel I've known you so many years?' 'Because I like you,' she said, 'and I don't want anything from you.’”

— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451: A Novel

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”

— Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

— Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years