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Tim Vine

51 quotesComedian · Born Mar 4, 1967 · United Kingdom · Male

Timothy Mark "Tim" Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" and “I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.” He was the runner up in 2011, 2012 and 2013. 2Early life Vine was born in Cheam, and attended Epsom College with his brother Jeremy. 2Career 3Stand-up Vine's stand-up act consists primarily of a series of quick-fire one-liners and puns. He has regularly appeared at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, with shows such as The Tim Vine Shambles and The Tim Vine Fiasco which won him the Perrier newcomer award in 1995. In 2006, he had a large advertising hoarding erected featuring his name and image, with a small sub-heading "...is not appearing at this year's Edinburgh Festival" Vine appeared at the Pleasance Courtyard for the first two weeks of the 2008 Edinburgh Festival Fringe performing a show entitled Punslinge

All Jokes (50)Puns (49)One-Liners (2)aboriginal (1)Dean Martin (1)Hunting (1)Grim Reaper (1)Wordplay (1)Bee Gees (1)British Telecom (1)Eurostar (1)ice cream (1)Didgeridoo (1)Murder on the Orient Express (1)easter (1)

From “50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners”

I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking, please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’

Jokes Puns

I was reading a book—The History of Glue—I couldn’t put it down.

Jokes Puns

Black Beauty—now there’s a dark horse.

Jokes Puns

Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'

Jokes Puns

Conjunctivitis.com—that’s a site for sore eyes.

Jokes Puns

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

Jokes Puns

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'

Jokes Puns

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go, can you?'

Jokes Puns

I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.

Jokes Puns

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr. Rice Guy.

Jokes Puns

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

Jokes Puns

I’ve spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

Jokes Puns

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Jokes Puns

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

Jokes Puns

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Jokes Puns

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything—trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Jokes Puns

I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint—this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'

Jokes Puns

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

Jokes Puns

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover—it was just collecting dust.

Jokes Puns

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'

Jokes Puns Didgeridoo aboriginal ABBA

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