“[with the CITs around a campfire] It's a weird moon. The moon kills, you know. It feeds off the earth. On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an ax, and cut somebody's head off. I remember a night like this, a few years ago. A guy and a girl went out driving.…”Tagged: Moon, campfire stories, Killer, Criminally Insane
“Tripper: Roxanne, I have what doctors call ‘very active glands.’ You're the first person I've told, my folks don't even know. Roxanne: Well, maybe you can have surgery without them knowing. Tripper: Awww, heck with surgery! Let's wrestle!”Tagged: glands, Surgery, Sex Drive, Wrestling
“Rudy: I saw you dancing with Roxanne. Tripper: Oh yeah? Well, she sorta cornered me and there was nothing I could do without embarrassing her. Rudy: Do you like her? Tripper: Well I feel sorry for her, you know. She's got a glass eye. And, uh, I'm one of the few people who knows exactly which eye to…”Tagged: Dancing, player
“Tripper: I'm takin' the C.I.T.s on an overnight for the next couple days so you're gonna have to do your own training, son. I want you to run two miles today and two and a half tomorrow. Rudy: I've never run that far. Tripper: Neither have I but somebody's gotta do it. I can't be expected to do it.…”Tagged: Training, Responsibilities
“OK, the zone's not working. They're a little too big to play man-to-man. And we can't shoot for shit.”Tagged: Basketball, zone defense, Shit
“Important announcement—some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you're hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.”Tagged: Hunters, Hunting Humans
“Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed ‘some kind of beef.’”Tagged: veal, Beef, Mystery Meat
“Mmmmm. Look at all those steaming wieners. Do you know what they're saying? They're saying, ‘This is the year that Fink beats 'The Stomach'. [Fink picks up a hot dog and holds it to his ear] No, it's a couple of them over here... but they're saying it.”Tagged: Hot Dogs, Anthropomorphism
“Kids are starving in India and you're walking around with a sombrero full of peanuts.”Tagged: Starvation, India, sombrero, Peanuts
“Wendy: Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer. I hope you can supply it. Tripper: I'll supply it for you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz! Wendy: Spaz? Tripper: He's a sex machine. Wendy: He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum! Tripper: Well I went out with him…”Tagged: sex machine, priapism
“Attention campers, afternoon swim schedule is as follows. Advanced dolphins, report to the dock for survival swimming and I.Q. testing. All senior silverfish, meet on the beach for nude sunbathing. All junior salmon, trout, and herring, report to the nearest delicatessen. And six-year-old tadpoles,…”Tagged: campers, Lobsters, tadpoles, trout, herring
“But, the real excitement of course is going to come at the end of the summer, during Sexual Awareness Week. We import two hundred hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and two thousand dollars cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can. The winner…”Tagged: Hookers, Sexual Awareness Week, rape and pillage
“[entering party] Alright, virgins to the left, non-virgins to the right. [to Crocket and Wheels] You guys split 'em up however you want.”Tagged: Virgins
“Tripper: And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for…”Tagged: God in Heaven, Money