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: Daniel Toshby Daniel Tosh(11 total)

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Eat Toilet eating Lactose intolerant

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crys…

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

School test examination Masterpiece canvas

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

humor Pregnancy pregnant test Feeling Down

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

gay Homosexual Homosexuality Marriage Relationship

Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree...I don't have a joke for that, yet. But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Leaopards Tree Climbing Wildlife big cat

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

lost Journey travel Hike Youtube

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Barry Bonds Babe Ruth celebrity name Race

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

book reference joke humor comedy

Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never…

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Deserve rank comedy audience Stand Up

Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Sarcasm joke stand up comedy comedy Stand Up

You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

puppets fist joke Green stand up comedy

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