“You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: Eat, Toilet, eating, Lactose, intolerant
“Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crys…”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: School, test, examination, Masterpiece, canvas
“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: humor, Pregnancy, pregnant, test, Feeling Down
“I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: gay, Homosexual, Homosexuality, Marriage, Relationship
“Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree...I don't have a joke for that, yet. But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: Leaopards, Tree, Climbing, Wildlife, big cat
“Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: lost, Journey, travel, Hike, Youtube
“We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth, celebrity, name, Race
“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: book, reference, joke, humor, comedy
“Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never…”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: Deserve, rank, comedy, audience, Stand Up
“Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: Sarcasm, joke, stand up comedy, comedy, Stand Up
“You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: puppets, fist, joke, Green, stand up comedy