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Daniel Tosh

20 quotesExecutive Producer · Born May 29, 1975 · Germany · Male

Daniel Dwight Tosh (born May 29, 1975) is an American comedian, television host, actor, writer, and executive producer. He is known for his deliberately offensive and controversial style of black comedy, as the host of the Comedy Central television show Tosh.0 and as the star of stand-up comedy tours and specials. 2Early life Born in Boppard, Rhineland-Palatinate, West Germany, Tosh grew up in Titusville, Florida, the son of a Presbyterian minister. After graduating from Astronaut High School in 1993, Tosh attended the University of Central Florida, graduating in December 1996 with a degree in marketing. Among his first jobs was a telemarketer at Central Florida Research Park. He said later, "Hey, $15 an hour to annoy people! I really was not preparing myself for the future at all. I had interviews lined up. I sat through one real interview and I was like, 'I wouldn't hire me.' I left halfway through the orientation. That's the closest thing I ever got to a real job." Tosh moved to Los Angeles, but attributes his decision to work in comedy to being raised in Florida, which he considers "flat, hot, and dumb." 2Career Tosh started touring the comedy club circuit almost immediately after graduating from colleg

All humor (5)joke (4)comedy (4)Relationship (3)Man (2)test (2)audience (2)comparison (2)Stand Up (2)Sarcasm (2)stand up comedy (2)Imagination (2)show (2)Language (1)Digestion (1)

From “Daniel Tosh”

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know, people would be like, "Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom?" "The one with doves? It was beautiful."

rich Wealth Room bathroom doves

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

ugly beauty Woman Man Beautiful

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Baby babies Children toddler humor

I can say that. I have a television show.

humor Words Censorship Television show

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

God english Heaven point menu

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Capri Sun Juice Stab Relationship Friends

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Religious Spiritual honest interesting sarcastic

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why…

Dad father dad jokes breakfast joke Relationship

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!

Childhood Friend imaginary friend Conversation Imagination

From “Wikiquote.org”

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Eat Toilet eating Lactose intolerant

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is…

School test examination Masterpiece canvas

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

humor Pregnancy pregnant test Feeling Down

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

gay Homosexual Homosexuality Marriage Relationship

Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree...I don't have a joke for that, yet. But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"

Leaopards Tree Climbing Wildlife big cat

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

lost Journey travel Hike Youtube

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

Barry Bonds Babe Ruth celebrity name Race

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

book reference joke humor comedy

Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never…

Deserve rank comedy audience Stand Up

Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Sarcasm joke stand up comedy comedy Stand Up

You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

puppets fist joke Green stand up comedy

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