“It’s a long time to spend on something that means absolutely nothing. But that’s what I do, that’s what other people want me to do: is spend a lot of time wastefully. So that I can then waste their time.”— Jerry Seinfeld, youtube.com
“I stopped playing colleges, and the reason is because they’re way too conservative.”— Chris Rock, vulture.com
“Girl, yo feet must be tired cause you've been running through my mind all day!”— Will Smith, amazon.com
“The rape joke is that you were crazy for the next five years, and had to move cities, and had to move states, and whole days went down into the sinkhole of thinking about why it happened. Like you went to look at your backyard and suddenly it wasn’t there, and you were looking down into the center o…”— Patricia Lockwood, theawl.com
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.”— Charlie Chaplin, books.google.com
“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”— Erma Bombeck, amazon.com
“Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for possibly becoming the first f...president. I would have said ‘female’ but someone deleted the ‘emale.”— Jimmy Fallon, nbc.com
“Drumpf is much less magical. It’s the sound produced when a morbidly obese pigeon flies into the window of a foreclosed Old Navy. Drumpf. It’s the sound of a bottle of store-brand root beer falling off the shelf in a gas station minimart. And it may seem weird to bring up his ancestral name, but to…”— John Oliver, youtube.com
“Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel 'Something...Tree'," So they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'.…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”— Mitch Hedberg, cc.com
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat o…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said ‘please try again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration fro…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other s…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com