“Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000”— Rob Fee, twitter.com
“Have a new housekeeper coming over today; just finished cleaning the whole house for her.”— Kelly Oxford, twitter.com
“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”— Zach Galafianakis, reddit.com
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.”— Jack Handey, reddit.com
“If I could have any superpower, I'd want to be able to whisper to someone: Your opinion is wrong and bad! and have them internalize it.”— Josh Gondelman, twitter.com
“The key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook.”— wolf pup, twitter.com
“I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.”— Mitch Hedberg, reddit.com
“It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.”— Unknown, reddit.com
“A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.”— Unknown, reddit.com
“'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean the same thing, except when you're at a funeral”— Demetri Martin, reddit.com
“I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.”— Unknown, reddit.com